It’s been an interesting few weeks of life. Some ups and some downs with the downs significantly outweighing the ups. But it doesn’t feel like it. For some reason not many things make me feel pain or sadness anymore. And it scares me. Am I becoming callous? I still feel joy at times, actually very easily so its not that I have lost touch with all emotional reality, its just losing touch with hurt. I know this is is a strange thing to be concerned about because it seems like such a good thing, but I don’t know how convinced I am that it is truly good. Some things still get me down. My mom was sick and in and out of the hospital and that had me worried and scared and all sorts of upset. But other things that seem like they should evoke an emotional response just don’t. Just this morning something happened that really should have hurt. It should have sucked and made me feel bad. But it didn’t. Not one bit. I certainly wasn’t happy, just kind of emotionally empty. I don’t think its some kind of “woe is me, I have been hurt too much to feel anything anymore.” Sure I have my crap but it doesn’t even come close to adding up to the things other people deal with. Maybe it’s just that there are so few earthly things that I really care about at this point that I am just detached from feeling pain over them. If anything were to happen to the people I love it would definitely hurt like crazy. But all the material things I have I just don’t care about. Sure I love my guitar and I love having a car, but I really don’t know how upset I would be if they were gone. One of my guitars snapped in half recently and it was just kind of blah. I didn’t really care. I have been working on setting my mind and hope and joy all on things outside of the world so maybe this is a side effect, but I’m not convinced that is the reason.
I kind of miss feeling pain.
Not that it’s fun or pleasant, but it provides the contrast for joy. Maybe I am an idiot for even bringing this up because God has blessed me with so many amazing things that I just don’t need to hurt over anything. So I need your help blogdom. Help me understand where this is coming from if you have any insight. Is this some sort of emotional defect, or is it a good thing?
Lanier Ward's Blog 
Posted by Toni on April 24, 2010 at 12:14 PM
Lanier, I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life and God has used the pain to teach me about Him, myself and others. Some of my pain was caused by selfishness and some of my pain was caused by others’ cruelty. What the world sees as pain-worthy may not be what grieves God. Maybe the things you think should cause pain really are not causing you pain because God is changing your heart to respond to the world’s selfishness more like Jesus. The thing we should be sensitive about is our heart being responsive to God. Are we sensitive to the things that grieve the Holy Spirit? What we really should be upset about is can we sin and not be grieved about it. Also, we know when the peace of Christ controls our lives then we do not worry or fret about circumstances beyond our control. Love & Peace, Toni